I hope you had the time of your life..

Ok. I'm being so average blogger lately. Again. I kinda apologize. I'm in a really strange place in life with a lot of big changes and I guess I'm struggling in knowing if I'm doing the right things or not. But some things have come up and I feel like It's my duty as a human being to bla bla bla about it to the virtual world like every other fucking American does. We sit on our asses and type shit to people in New Zealand who don't give a shit. I digress.

So here's the downer. I went to a funeral this week. This is nothing new. People die every day. I've been to countless wakes, funerals.... there's been a lot of great loss in my life. This is a scene of which I'm used. To. I'm used to it.

Shut up.



The tragic thing about this death is.. Not only was it entirely a shock and surprise to all... He was only 32. He was the brother in law to one of my best friends. I've met Steve a handful of times amongst the hustle and bustle of gatherings, and events.He's been married to Kelley for 6 years. They have 2 small children (whom are adorable and disgustingly brilliant and hysterical).



I want to go on to my subject. The bullshit and nothingness we've turned our lives and world into. Why do we waste so much time when we don't even know how much we've got?! It's like.. someone handing you a gift card without a balance. How much is on there? Can I buy a soda? A new couch? What?

We don't know a fucking thing.. yet we strut around like we've got all the time in the world.

 

We play games. We make bad decisions. We're selfish. We're rude. We're hurtful. We turn our backs on one another.



Why?



Why do we do these things?



These are questions I don't have answers for. We've all done these things... We've all done them for different reasons. I'm an Irish Catholic.. My conscience is incredibly intimidating. I feel bad.. and guilty.. and awful all the time. If I've hurt someone? It tears me up. Sure, I might never apologize, or own up... in fact.. some people might even call bullshit on me right now. But what about the people who don't give a shit at all about anyone but themselves? What's the deal? Are they just a shitty person? Were they raised that way? Are their parents shitty people too? Is it an acquired shitty?

I suppose what I'm getting at.. is to not waste your time on this Earth by being a negative soul. Be cautious in the things you do... but don't throw your life away. Do what makes you happy. Be with who makes you laugh. Go where you smile. Don't sweat the petty (different from petting the sweaty... next blog topic. noted.). Be someone people get excited to see. And be someone who makes people sad when they go.


We truly never know when we have to give up our energy. Live like it's tomorrow.

Whassamata you?!

So when I started this Blog.. I specifically didn't want it to be all weepy, whiny, wishy, washy typical girl drama bullshit. I wanted something better than the norm. Something stronger to get women out of the stereotype we continue to fall into.

WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAA!!

I only wanted to blog when my mind was clear from distraction, and had a goal in mind. A topic. A fucking point. But one of my Beeches (who totally called me during writing.. haha! At least I'm not checking out at Wegmans..) advised me to blog tonight. *shrugs* why the hell not? I half apologize if this entry comes across as seemingly attention seeking. That is not my intent. I am not fully focused. I'm insanely distracted and scatterbrained. I'm vulnerable. Here we go.


I'm a woman. Yes. I know. Shock. I'm also Irish, German, a Leo and I live in New York (Not City, mind you.. It's a big state!) But I have this hard shell. Like I'm some tough broad who always has a come back and no pair of baby blues will get me to sweat. At least not when anyone's looking... I digress. Sometimes I can be a bit too hard. Other times I'm a complete door mat. Depends on how much wine I had the night before. Whenever feelings get involved I turn into a big pile of Suzie home maker and want nothing more than to please my man.

Someone please hit me for saying that. Thank you. God I need a Xanax...


But my problem now seems to be... It seems you only get to know one side of a person. In this day and age (sorry... that's lame) everything is so rushed, and fast... You have to almost present yourself in an appealing way or else you might miss Mr. Right. What if you have an off day? Ya know... Stayed up way too late.. runnin on 3 hours of sleep, no shower, covered in cat hair, bloodshot eyes, 2 different shoes, no belt, and you're wearing the jeans with the zipper that magically falls down. What the hell did you do to your hair? Is that a tye dye do-rag? Totally in this week... What happens then? That's me *some*times... certainly not ALL the time.. once or twice a week, max.

Other days my hair is this insane pile of beautiful curls that flow like a Pantene commercial.... eye catching jewelry... a fantastic top.... great shoes... and a quick wit/charming combo which your mother will LOOOOOVE.....

 That's a good day! But people change. How do you ever really know who you're getting?

 I completely change when I get into a relationship. I freak out, lose my shit, get all paranoid like he's cheating on me, or just... any kind of cliche' "I've been hurt before!" psycho bullshit... I face it.. but I can't seem to change. I'm sure there's some abandonment/daddy issues here somewhere. Stepping back to my last entry about nice guys... I'm just afraid that they're going to turn. The shoe is going to drop. There's some deep dark secret and I'm invested already and now I'm stuck and this is my life ohmygodwhatthefuckhelpmepleaaaseihatemytwentieslemmeooouuuutttttttnow!


Before there's a commitment... when I'm with an asshat.. I don't care. I realize he's most likely fucking all sorts of wonderful pleasantries and I accept it.

This is a sick world.

There. See? I'm vulnerable. I'm weak. I'm confused... I'm tired....


I'm a fucking human being.

I have no verdict in this entry. I have no substance. I feel as if I'm cheating the blogging world by posting this one. But maybe we need a blog of impulse and slight insanity every once in a while.

The Battle of Good Vs. Evil

So you know that saying. You hear it all the time.. it's quoted on facebook in the Favorite Quotes section... and after every fucking breakup....

      "Nice guys finish last"

First of all.. any guy who says this? Isn't a nice guy. There's a front.A dramatic weepy front.He may not be king of the assholes... but it's like calling yourself out for being modest.. "I'm the most modest person I know!" Seriously, come on. 

It's again, all a game. I'm going to use my ex a lot in this episode of episodes... only because he's my ex. And I couldn't put my finger on why it bothered me so much when he'd say it... but now I get it. 

Ya know those geeky card games that have like a gazillion rules? Each card has a weapon or spell or... black magic super power.. or a magical bunny...? You keep your cards to bring out in battle. In a war. To beat the other person down, so you can win and stand on top. You toss your cards down in victory and your baffled apponent if left speechless. As if they never saw it coming. They hang their head in defeat. You go off to celebrate by having your mom upstairs bring down some sandwiches and Mountain Dew. Seriously, loser.. get a job.. you're 36 years old...

Fiiinishhh hiiiimmmmm...

Anyways. I've finally figured out that my ex was doing this to me. He would almost tally good deeds. Keep them locked up and saved until we had a fight. Then it would come out. We could be fighting about anything. And it would turn into me being a total unappreciative bitch. To which, as a woman, of course distracted me from the actual fight to defend my (what used to be) good name! He'd remind me of flowers for no reason, doing the dishes one night, making me dinner another night, taking me out to a movie, bringing me a present back from the mall, visiting me at work.... Things like that. That would come out. Things that are indeed very nice! But.. but why? Aren't you supposed to do nice things for people when you're dating them? Isn't that kind of the point? You like someone... you're nice to them.. you DO things for them... you do all these things. You do them because you WANT to. Not because it could be used for evil later... to me that negated the nice deed all together! You play yours cards to hurt your opponent.  Not Nice.

This brings me on to my next section...:  


                               Why People Date Ass Hats

We do this because we're scared. I've been hurt. You've been hurt. We've ALL been hurt! We date people who continue to hurt us because they're predictable. They're selfish. Or cocky. Or insensitive.Or just a downright bitch 24/7. Yes all of this suuuucks but we know what we're getting ourselves into. We expect assholish, selfish, cocky, insensitive quirks and when they do something nice, sweet, selfless, or thoughtful... It's almost praised. Otherwise we get a "nice guy" who is wonderful and perfect but then has a secret weapon. Something you don't expect. And though they're nice and wonderful and good 97% of the time... it catches you off guard and you're disappointed as fuck. 


In my experience... the nice guys have words that burn like venom. They've been burned before. They've seen it. They don't want it to happen again. The nice guys put their foot down, bring out the battalion and hurt more than any ass hat ever did. The ass hat, after all.. is an ass hat.



I'm getting to an age now where I'm really hoping all of this nonsense goes out the door. If you're an ass hat? Be an ass hat. If you're a nice guy? Be a nice guy.

Nice guys be warned. I'm an unappreciative bitch. 

What color is that kettle? Is that black or.. more of a natural blend?

I was recently talking to a male friend of mine... We got into a conversation about "The Chase". As I've said in past entries.. Dating may as well be dead in today's cultural society. Now it's all about the game. The chase! You win if you're both on the same page. If you both want the same things. Or.. if one can convince the other to "take a chance!" or to "Go against your first instinct!" or to "Take the plunge!". Ya know.. like in the movies... where everyone ends up perfect, and happy!!... or dead!

Trust me... I've got a sword, a torn vest and pecks you can bounce a quarter off...

Ya never really know how that's gonna turn up....


Regardless... The chase interests me. Men sometimes have that animalistic instinct where they need to chase what they desire. But... to quote our most recent studly joker:

"I'm a dog chasing cars... I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it!".

Men can be similar. Again don't feel as if I'm saying ALL men. I'm not that guy. This is all just recent bullshit I've noticed. Calm the fuck down.


Man sees girl. Man wants girl. Girl gives in. Man gets girl. Man gets bored. Girl gets pissed. Man blocks girl from facebook/cellphone. Girl becomes psycho for lack of closure...

Just.. lemme smell him...

or...




Man sees girl. Man wants girl. Girl plays hard to get. Man tries harder. Girls plays harder. Man takes further steps to prove interest. Girl falls for bullshit. Man gives the look:

Girl swoons. Man gets girl. Girl gets attached. Man gets lame. Girl gets bitchy. Man dumps girl. Girl loses faith in humanity, men, and becomes a lesbian.

Or... you can be me.

Girl sees man. Girl wants man. Man weirded the fuck out. Girl says something witty and walks away. Man confused. Man follows girl. Girl threatens mans masculinity. Man gets pissed... yet intrigued... Girl amused. Man tries pick up line. Girl goes home. Man scratches head. Girl pets cat.

Meet Ritalin.

There's a number of other scenarios.. I could be here all night. This might be a new game for me.

Moving on. There are so many ways to roll the dice. What are the odds of landing on the correct situation? At the same time as someone else? How do you sync? In a world where no one is up front about anything, and we all have our burdens and walls up... Is it hopeless?

I refuse to believe it. What the point in being so final about everything? Especially if it's such a negative, dark thing! I'm open and happy. I have friends... and sometimes I'm even a little snide and bitter. It happens! No judgies! Despite how awesome I am.. I'm still human. I'm here. And I'm learning. Maybe I'm totally wrong but I don't think I am... I actually feel more in touch with myself and the dating world, and men in general than I ever have. I feel like I'll never settle or be disappointed again. And I'm sure I need a therapist for that last sentence... but who cares? Who doesn't need a therapist these days? Fuck it! Seriously...



What's that itchy feeling? Love? Or did I get too close to a public toilet seat?

I feel like I should be arrested for trying to write about love. Seriously... who the hell am I? Single. That's who. First of all.. have you seen this video? Watch it anyway. I'm sure you'll think it's hysterical:

It actually has some spot on impressions. I, for example am the girl at: 13 sec, 1 min, 1.03, 1.18 and beyond!

Now that that's outta the way. We can move on to bigger and better things.

I'm not actually going to write about love today. I am SO not ready for that entry! I don't think anyone really is...

Instead I'd like to talk about our younger days. Myself included, once I hit 25 or so.. I'd heard more and more of people "Taking a step back", or "Getting back on track", or as I've put it.. "Finding myself". What happened? Do we all fuck up that much in our late teens/early 20's? So much to the point where we have to put our lives on hold so we can 'figure it out'? I think it's a phase most people go through... you're young! You have this new found Independence and freedom! The World is in front of you and you're ready to take it all on! But we start drinking. and missing work/classes, making poor decisions, And having crazy sex parties. And cocaine.

Start whistlin', boys!

Ok.. maybe not cocaine... but in some cases, yes! Probably!

In any case.. a lot of us make some poor decisions. In my case I started working. Once you start working, it's hard to stop for school, or a new town, or.. much of anything. You take what you can get and accept that that's your life. It doesn't matter if you think it's only temporary. It's only going to change if you get fed up with it all and do something about it. Which is where I'm at now and which is why I'm "Finding myself". Ahh yes it all comes back.

The World has such an incredible way to force "Right" and "Wrong" on us. Every culture does it... and we're all different. The role of society can often make one feel like a failure if they don't make it to the top. For this reason... the 'failures' have low self esteem and the 'winners' are cocky assholes who think they know everything about everything ever in the history of the world. They're wrong a lot.. but unfortunately they get to control what's right and wrong as they're on top. And I'm a loser.

Success is different for everyone. No one besides yourself, can decide whether you hit it or not

. People constantly want to offer advice, or solutions to your 'problem's whether you have them or not. Be your own person. Make your own choices. Do what's right for you.

Who says if you're a slut you have to shop at Wet Seal?

Who says if you're a Vegan, you have to have tattoos and a pixie cut??

Who says if you're a Republican you have to drink the blood of 6 homeless people each quarter???

I rest my case. Before you start trying to find yourself.. realize these stupid little rules and life points are all bullshit. Make your life what you want it to be. You're the one living it.

But if I could give one piece of advice... Wear. Sunscreen.





Mulligans and shennanigans.

Growing up in this society is that a bit different than... well.. any other time, really. I suppose every era goes through a change. I touched a bit on that in my last episode. Many women are either fascinated or disgusted by old movies... you know the ones....



"Here Betty Sue! Let me get that pesky door for you!"

The guy nervously approaches and asks you out on a date... picks you up "At 7!", opens and closes doors... pays for dinner, movie, mini golf, ice cream, flowers whatever! Drops you off, gets a kiss at the door step and calls the next day....





.........................






Am I the only one who wonders if those dates ever really happened? Was there really a time when boys came and "met your folks" and received dad's approval before escorting you out for a night on the town? This will soon be a lost art. Some myth, little girls will wonder about.


".. Prince charming works at da club??"

Think about it. How did your parents meet? Mine were set up on a blind date. My mother couldn't stand my father then either, but he made her smile. They took day trips to Niagara falls, and were on a bowling league. They were married in May of 1969 and lived in a little apartment where my oldest sister was born. In the mid 70's they bought a house. They still live there. I'm sitting in it. Right now. Stealing their Internet.

What are the stories going to be like in 25 years? How creative are we going to be? Are we going to make something up? Exaggerate? Bend the truth?? Add a little touch of Hollywood plot??




I've done some research these last few months while I've been single. I've learned quite a bit just by paying more attention to things. Here's what I've come up with so far:

2012 dates seem to consist of meeting up sometime when you're not working, or hanging with the guys, or the bitches. No one picks anyone up. You meet. At a bar. At 10:30 on a Wednesday night.


You're lucky if:

1. Both parties arrive on time
2. Neither party has found someone more interesting or, as we say "attractive"
3. Cell phones are put away/off/on vibrate
4. Both parties are showered/groomed/brushed teeth

"Hang on.. gotta check in..."

If the date goes well (miracle) you then make the painful decision of sex on the first date or not. Either way... you never see them again as the date did NOT go as well as you had planned.



"I'm so friggen stupid....Where's my underwear?"

Why?




I'll tell you why.



It's a game. It's all a big fucking mind game. It's impossible to win if you have any feelings involved at all. Why? Again. I will tell you. The rules change. They're different for everyone. And they change. At any time. For any reason. The winner... is whoever doesn't care. Whoever has no feelings invested. Whoever has a back up. They win.



"Nah! I think we've made quite a connection..."

There is hope, however. You mustn't lose yourself. As ridiculous as it sounds, you also can't take it personally. It's not our faults we've evolved into such animalistic creatures who desire power, sex, and warm fuzzy feelings. We don't understand. We've lost a bit of ourselves here.... But really it's always been a game. The only difference is, back in the day the rules were plastered in your face during after school specials. Now it's all up in the air. We're at a very independent age. A fast evolving age. A get it in seconds age. There's no thinking anymore, there's no time for your conscience to kick in and say "Hey.. that wasn't cool of me", anymore!


The world needs to stop. Put the phones down. Park the car. Shut off the fucking TV. Take a step outside, and take a giant breath in and hold it. Then let it out slowly. Just Calm.The.Fuck.Down. or as I will now call it "C the FD!"


"... How long are we supposed to do this?"

That or an ice cold Coca Cola.....




I am SO not ready to be in a relationship. I need way too much therapy first. But I've learned I need some standards for myself. I'm actually a pretty awesome girlfriend until there's no space, or crazy demands, or... whatever kinda bullshit that gets in the way... Anyways... So far my standards are as follows:

1. Must. Have. Job.
2. Cannot live in mom's basement/attic/garage
3. Must brush teeth daily
4. Must laugh
5. No bitchin' sword collection/medieval weaponry unless part of Rule #1

Again... sometimes the rules change. There's obviously some room for explanation here... I get it... we all need a break. We all have our stories. I get it.




Moving on.


Before I get all sorts of hate mail I'll let you know that there ARE decent guys out there. There really are. There are guys out there who are willing to pick you up, and to pay, and to open doors. And guys? There are some decent ladies left in the world who don't care about your car, or how much money you make and who will want to split the cost of dinner. If she insists let the woman pay the tip or something.




My Advice:
As cliche' as this sounds... I've actually taken it to heart. You really need to be OK with yourself before you get out there. It's scary! You also need to know what you're ready for. It's nice to just go out and get to know someone new. Pay for your own stuff.. or.. one pay for one activity, then the other for the next. There's a light there somewhere, it's just a matter of compatability. And timing. In a time when it truely feels as if the odds are against us....


There's hope for all of us..

It starts...

There I was. Sitting on a beautiful beach in a red bikini. I felt the grainy sand and cool water rush back and forth over my tanned feet and legs. The sun was setting and I could see for miles. My wet hair drips tiny droplets into the surrounding body of water. Sea gulls pass, fish jump, and my sunsoaked face seems to smile. No stress, no anxiety, no back pain, no headaches... just sun, sand, and the smell of lotion....

Suddenly I realize it's time to leave this place... Not that I expected to stay on that beach my entire life, but I was of course, hoping to stay until after 5:00... I had no choice in the matter... because my mom yells to me:

"Megan Mary! Get that sand out of your bathing suit and pack up your beach toys! It's time to go home!"

Ahh.. such is life as a 6 year old...

People often look back on their childhood as care free and simple. I look back and think of how confused I was. Not to say my childhood was hard, by any means.. but I often had no idea what was going on. I lived my life day to day without care, or worry... The way a child should. But as every child also does, I took it all for granted. I longed to spend time with my sisters and their friends. I come from a family of 3 girls. My sisters are 10 and 13 years older than I. I'm what you call... not a mistake but.. "A Surprise!" or my favorite.. "A Gift From God!". I took the simple things for granted. I was so curious about what it was like to be an adult... I had such a longing but at the same time.. I had a huge fear of it. Even then I was torn and didn't know what I wanted.. To stay young? To grow old? Maybe get stuck in the middle somewhere? Who knows... Certainly not this girl.


Today I'm 27. Not like it's my Birthday but.. I mean.. I was 27 yesterday too... and will be for another 6 months..

I'm 27. And single. And clueless.

I've done my share of dating. So It isn't really fair to call myself COMPLETLY clueless... But I'm promising myself to remain single until I really figure all of this out. So I guess I'll be moving soon to buy a house to make room for all of my stray cats...??



No. Again that's not fair. I really haven't lost hope on that perfect relationship but.. with so many failed marriages and divorces and heartache.. I feel the responsible thing to do is to get smart about dating! No more settling. No more excuses. No more faking!


This time around I'm really noticing the lack of effort put into dating. One night stands are as common as a handshake. No one is expected to call anyone.. Basically one party will enjoy the other party more than said party. He who care less has the power. It's sad how true this really is...

I'm fascinated with dating up until the 50's. The damn hippies and womens rights movements killed courting. From then on it was all equal this, and equal that.. burning bras and joining unions and marches. I support what they went through and eventually acheived.. i think it was brave, and bold, and charismatic. It was liberty! And JUSTICE! However... that brought on a whole turning point for the way men looked at women. It was all different from that moment on. There was a new painting to look at... Now women have a voice. An opinion. Hell.. We can blog whatever the fuck we want! We are now a stranger creature... with feelings and emotions and no one knows how to put it into an after school special anymore! Women are different! WHAT DO WE DO!?!?!!!??! Do we open doors for them? Do we compliment their sweaters?? Do you pat them on the ass after doing a good job?!?! No one knows. And men grew scared. Or maybe the fact that they had to start cooking dinner came to play so they lost track of time and no longer notice hair cuts!

Maybe they got angry because now they have to share jobs with women.

Who knows? Who knows why it changed? But it did. And it's never been the same...

Opening doors, formal dates, flowers, and kisses on doorsteps are few and far between. Now you're almost expected to give your all after your first round of drinks at the bar at 11:30 on a Wednesday night... If you do? You never hear from them again... If you don't? You never hear from them again...

Would that be considered a win win? a lose lose? or a win lose lose win??

More on this... at 11.