I'm an open (face) book (reuban on rye).

There's a person. We all know one. There are varied steps, and levels and advances to this person... but it's a character most people know.



It's the "OH MY GOD SIT WITH ME FOR 6 HOURS AND LOOK AT ALL THE PICTURES OF MY KIDS/VACATION/NEW CAR/HOUSE/PUPPY WUPPY SNUGLEPUSS!!!!!!!"

Throw me a fricken bone, right?




For the young kids out there in blogland... This person used to corner you in face to face at banks, restaurants, grocery stores, and family gatherings all across the country. You'd have the polite "Hi, how are ya? Good to see ya! Take care!" conversation.... Typically that's where any normal person would leave and carry on. Basically... acknowledge each other and move on with your lives. But this guy... is a lingerer. This person has some sort of social disorder, because THIS person thinks you want to know EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU RAN INTO EACH OTHER. So they start to tell you. And then they pull out the wallet and show you the pictures. And the sun burn line they still have. And the scar they got at the airport. And the noise the old car made. And what the teacher said about little Sally. And the brand of toothpaste their dentist recommends. And where the cheapest gas is. And that awful story about potty training the new puppy. And that itch came back. And Alan passed away. And you didn't make it to the fair this year. And it's so cold! And WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK!?!?!?

My point is... We have grown. We have now begun a new lifestyle of shoving your life down the throats of others. Only now? It's via social media.

I feel like this is one of those blogs that's going to make me feel old, cranky, and in need of a diaper change. Fuck it. Bring on the Fig Newtons. Fuck yeah. I love those fruit and cake bars of goodness....




I know people are going to giggle at this because they've seen it like this since day one. But chill the fuck out! It's my blog. And I'm just coming to realize how sacred my privacy is. So... On with the public blog for anyone in the world to read.




Shut up.

So in Syracuse, our print media is dying. We're down to one newspaper, and we don't even print papers everyday anymore. Do you believe that? Just a few days a week. I guess Wednesday didn't put out, or something. I know a lot of people like to wake up in the morning and read the newspaper. I'm a hipster. So I wake up and read facebook. It sounds stupid but it's actually quite informative. I have almost 1000 friends (Why do they call them friends? It should be like 'Here's a list of people you got wasted with one night 4 years ago and have never seen since, but they post great memes"? Let's be realistic here...). For the most part... if I need the weather, traffic report or a great idea for a pinterest inspired breakfast or hairstyle, I can just hit that little button on my little android and rest easy, that the day will run by smoothly.




Between informative posts such as these... There's life stuff too. The usual "Monday already?" posts and "Random quote from a movie!" and so on...I've come across something else a bit more often. At first it was just.. kind of annoying... then I thought about it. It's... fucking disturbing.



Literally... Nothing is sacred.




It would be one thing if it were something you know you shouldn't talk about..but is actually a funny story worth telling...  Like a sex mishap:

"The cat ate the condom!!!!!"

But... No. It's like.. little shit. Literally NO ONE gives two fucks about. Little private details about your relationship.




Now hear me out. I think it's fine to be like "Aw! I was having a bad day and Franco made me dinner and rented our favorite mandolin musician! He thinks of everything..."

As goopy as that can all be.. I'm all for bragging rights when your man friend does something awesome for you... I know when I'm bragged about I'm all like "Yeah bitches! What now?!" And they're all "Whoa! I guess you're worthy enough for that guy, I'ma step off" And I'm all "Yeah, this is what's up." It's kind of like a cyber pat on the back. And it's kinda like... territorial claim. So I mean.. I think that's important to do every now and then. But... This shit... Is just.. It's been blowing my mind for the last few days.





I saw a post. If you're reading this.. and it was your post I'm about to go all off on... Please know.. I'm doing it for YOU. Don't get pissy at me. Hear me out. I'm not calling you out specifically. So hop off.




This post was all cutesy and happy and la la fucking di da.... about blankets. This miniscule, intimate little detail about their sleeping arrangements. I read it and immidiatly thought:


".... Who the fuck cares? Why would you post that?"



And then I thought more about it. And it really turned out to be disturbing! All day every day we hear these tiny little pillow talk details that should remain between a couple. It was nothing gross or over the top just a tiny little thing that matters to the two of you and to no one else.


Is nothing fucking sacred anymore?



I'm seriously waiting for people to put web cams up in their bedrooms and just let it record. Then go through it later... pull pieces of it out and post it.. like "Here's me and Raul sleeping last night. Look at hour 5, minute 26 and see him put his arm around me! Awww! LLOVE HIM! MUAHMUAH KISSYFUCKYFACENOMNOMHASHTAG#"




Must we publicize EVERYTHING? Is EVERYTHING a story of major value and importance?!?!






We're sabotaging our own relationships. We are our own paparazzi. Just a much smaller fan base in a much smaller town.



Why do celebrities hide their weddings? Because that's special. It's sacred. They want friends and family there. They don't want YOU there. Who the fuck are you? Seriously. Who are you?





We need to learn to keep secrets. We need to learn how to step back. Put the phone down. Close the lap top. Live in the real fucking world for an hour or two.


We're going to start losing the ability to create memories because we rely so heavilly upon technology to remember things FOR us.



Seriously.




When I was growing up I knew tons of phone numbers. I STILL know them. House phone, Neighbors phone, Best friend, Other best friend, new best friend, Gramma ... You knew phone numbers. Now? People don't even know their OWN damn phone number.. let alone anyone elses. You lose that cell phone? You're fucked. Seriously.




Keep things to yourself. Write them down for yourself. Keep personal pictures for yourself.





We put ourselves out there so easily. So freely. Then wonder why we get burned. It's incredibly easy to get caught up and to want to put all these things out there.. but then your relationship becomes a sitcom. And you run out of storyboard. Instead of enjoying what you have and where you are, you end up pulling for things... looking for things.... Ways to prove to people that you're in love, and loved back, and are so happy, and life is great and fucking YES!!! SUNSHNE!!!!!!! You fuck it up.




Fuking stop.




Just be. You have nothing to prove. Nothing to explain. People will know you're happy by the smile on your face. By the bounce in your step. The way you sing "The Bad Touch" 24/7.... Trust me. It's far more exciting to have people notice and ask about it when you least expect it.









Ok.. Time to go put on my purple nightshirt, take off my new black and green hipster glasses and lay half sideways on my tshirt cotton sheets from Target, in the bed I grabbed from a friend who was moving a few years ago, and lay with my tortoise shell calico, in the northeast side of my apartment where it is exactly 65 degrees. I'm going to look at facebook for a few minutes and eventually turn on my right side and cuddle with my pillow pet until I fall asleep. I'll probably have to pee at like 7.... and then I'll lay on my left side for a while. My feet get cold sometimes. So I'll probably make a foot taco.

No judgies.

The Big ass but.

One of my favorite things to hear people say is "I don't want you to take this the wrong way BUT..." or.. "I love you BUT".. or "I'm not pregnant BUT".... "I was born a man BUT"....

Regardless... Adding the word "But" or even a preface/but combo like "Don't take this the wrong way BUT" or "No offense BUT" can basically clear you. It's to make you look honest. More caring. Concerned. A friend.


Fuck that noise.

I think we all know we're in a passive aggressive world and the winners are those who still appear to be decent human beings while torturing the self esteem of co workers, friends, and loved ones.


Don't get me wrong! It's hysterical! The winner, of course is Kristen Wiig. She's created the perfect example of what I'm talking about.

Lately, more than ever I've heard "No offense... But you're not a typical.. normal girl"

Clearly.

The best part is.. I take that as a compliment. A fantastic compliment. In fact, I'm flattered to hear that. Why? I'll tell ya why.




Because girls are fucking crazy bitches. I don't want any part of that!!



Don't get me wrong. I've been there. Ask my ex's. I've been all of those awful, obnoxious, things. I've been clingy. I've been distrusting. I've had stalker like qualities. I've gotten overly attached. I've cried. I've written cryptic status updates. I've done all of that.

After my last break up a year and a half ago... That's when I put my foot down and thought to myself "Let's figure this shit out." I felt like Taylor Fucking Swift with all the fucking boyfriends in and out of my life since I was 15. Fucking 15!!!! Non stop. It's exhausting.




In this "figure out my shit" time.. I took so many steps back to be more observant. First, I got my own place. And it started out quite poorly. I was lonely. Really lonely. So I filled the void with bars, alcohol, and strange men from Match.com. When I got that out of my system I realized I hadn't changed a thing. I hadn't learned. I hadn't grown. And I knew there was MUCH to learn and experience beyond the pages of the Kama Sutra.

 But HOW?!



It's all about the mindset. I can't stress the importance of self acceptance. The things our minds are able to do for our bodies and well being are incredible.



For example.



Have you ever looked down at your hand to see that it's bleeding? You don't know how, or when.. You didn't even FEEL your skin tear. You knew nothing of injury until you saw the blood. Only then, did it hurt. Our bodies are equipped to handle pain. It's our minds that can't handle the thought of it and then freak the fuck out.



Even if you're only imagining something. The power of belief is another incredible thing. There is a game I used to play with my friends at sleepovers called "Cat Scratch". I don't remember the specifics.. I feel like one girl would sit with her arms crossed over her chest and another girl would rub her back gently (This isn't what you think, you pervs..) and tell a story about an attacking cat. The story can be set up anyway you want. But it has to end up with the cat attacking your back, scratching, biting, and latching on. It's actually kind of terrifying. The point is.. when this part happens and you go into the detail of the attack... You lift up the back of the girls shirt and there will be red scratches all over her back. It actually worked a few times.



The point I'm getting at is.. despite how cheesy those signs are in waiting rooms... it's all about mindset. If you believe! You can achieve! So cheesy. I hate that it's actually an accurate encouraging phrase.





When I realized guys were being textbook...(Not calling, blowing me off, falling off the face of the Earth, dying off..)  I realized I had been as well. Which is why they were acting that way.




Guys miss out on this. Ladies... When you go to a popular bar on a Saturday night... Do you listen to the conversation in the bathroom?

 Hear me out. I'm from Syracuse and.. Syracuse girls have this obnoxious fucked up language. I hate that I have some of it. You're basically a shocked valley girl. Everything is a huge life altering big deal. Major infliction. Brilliant statements and analysis which come out like questions... It's this attempted Laguna Beach thing. This is the main reason I don't ever go downtown past 8:00.


Girls flock to the bathroom in heards to make sure their fake tits are in place, and their spanx aren't showing, and their skin is perfectly tangerine.

"Oh.. My.. God... Like.. Did you see the way he was acteen? Like.. he literally was this really great guy and then all of the sudden he was like somebody totally different."

"Right? Like he literally changed."

"Literally"

"Right?!"

"Ok I'm glad you noticed because I def noticed that shit and that shit is fucked uhp and shit. Like literally? You don't need that shet"

"Right? I know. Like, he was all angry that my ex was here and like , literally, he just showed up. Like I texted him and told him we were going to be here and then like he literally was here and tagged us on facebook and I'm like "Really?""

"Oh my god I thought was that Derrik! Such an asshole! I can't beleive he did that shet. Like.. Seriously?... He didn't tag me"

"I know...... He got hot though. "

"Wicked fucking hot."

"Literally"

"Totes."

"Facebook."

Thank God you're already in a bathroom because I literally throw up when I hear this nonsense. The thing that really gets me is.. These girls are usually incredibly smart and going to SU for some crazy law degree or something. They come from wealth. They come from business. And yet... Fail. Keep it classy SU....

So basically I strive to never be that.




It's so easy to fall into typical girl mindset. To look for things to either be overly happy about, or overly pissed about. Just.. fucking stop trying so hard! We're past the point where neutral is an option and I'm trying like hell to being it back. Social media is an easy thing to fall into. I've done it. We've all done it. Sometimes that vague status message really gets your point across.





When I'm feeling something negative... Either I'm upset, or sad or angry or hurt... I step back and ask myself why I'm feeling that way. Am I feeling that way because I'm supposed to? Or.. Am I feeling that way because I'm actually FEELING it? Regardless.. I try to get myself to a reasonable point. Sometimes it's a little awkward because it's a decent thought process so it's similar to that or a robot rebooting or a computer with the little hourglass spinning and flipping around as I analyze my emotions.



I've found that most times? It's unneeded stress, or sadness. I realize "Hey.. this isn't a big deal." And usually I'm on to the next thing. No more dwelling.



Our lives are insane. With more ways to organize.. we've never been less organized. Plans change. Things come up. And that's ok.




It goes along with the golden rule. (Speaking of The Kama Sutra..)




If I were having a problem and had to change plans or, even if I wasn't feeling up to something all of a sudden... We know ourselves. Sometimes we just need alone time. Or a nap. Or.. something better comes along. It sounds terrible, but I feel like majority of people have been there.If we were more honest and open about it.. I think that would make things easier for everyone. It's like a get out of jail free card.


"I know we were going to hang tonight but, my ex is in town for the night... so....."


"I know we were going to hang tonight but my boss really pissed me off today.... so...."


"I know we were going to hang tonight but I'm fucking tired. So fuck you."


"I know we were going to hang tonight but... Your post on facebook upset me and I don't like you anymore"


"I know we were going to hang tonight but something suddenly came up"


Who cares? Find something else to do.



Think of it this way...




If YOU don't want to hang out with you..... Who else will?







Figure yourself out. Be ok with you.

And own that shit.