Daddy Issues

The first time I ever dated a baby daddy.. I was 18 years old. He was 23 and had a 2 year old. I've dated/seen a handful since then. This topic has really been bothering me a lot lately but because I don't have kids of my own, for some reason, whatever I have to say is invalid. Regardless of who's side I'm on. So keep in mind I'm fully aware that I don't have any children. Can we deal with this? Ok great. Moving on.



So we all know the dating websites. There's sites for EVERYTHING now. Some of my favorites include:




"Successful Black Men!"
                                                          



"Hippie Men!"

"Rich men!"

And the purpose...


"Meet Single Dads!"

I think it started in the 90's. We'll call it Danny Tanner Syndrome. Where suddenly it occurred to women that this is going to happen sometimes. There will be a man out there who has kids but not a wife. Of course, this was STILL wholesome in that Danny Tanner was a widow and not battling a bitter divorce. But you get my point.

Here's the thing. It's SO COMMON NOW. There are SO many single parents out there who don't take their children or their ex's seriously. If you don't respect that... no one else will.




I started seeing someone YEARS ago. He had a daughter. I met her on like.. date # 2. That was the date. The date was for me to come over and meet his little girl. So.. I sat down and played with her. By the end of the night she was calling me mommy and giving me hugs.



I'm good with kids. I'm not THAT good.



Then? He never called me again.






I was devastated. I suddenly had a daughter and a man who used her as a pawn to get laid and then it was gone?! Heartbroken. Where would I ever find another man like that??

Fucking everywhere.






Let's get down to the nitty gritty. If you're dating someone with a child... You can never expect to be priority number 1. You range as a priority from 3 to whatever. But the highest you'll ever deeply be is a 3. Why? I'll tell you why.





You don't know what happened. You know what he TELLS you. You don't know the real details, or the words that were said, or the feelings felt, or the jokes they had, or the things they did.... You don't know what he did for her during their pregnancy. Or the delivery. That needs to be taken into consideration.

Too often we go in there with the "Her or me!" mentality. If you're with a good, decent, responsible man? You're out. Because "She" will ALWAYS be there. Having a kid together is a lifetime deal. I don't know why or how people have forgotten that. KIDS ARE A BIG DEAL.

Here's a show that makes me sick.


Pregnant and Dating.



Have you heard about this?



I don't have a lot of judgies but JUDGIES ON THAT SHIT!






It's just not taken seriously. The next generation of children are going to have SO MANY DADDY/MOMY DEAREST ISSUES it's not funny.





How many women met that same little girl I did? How many women has she called "Mommy"? I highly doubt he settled down with the chick after me. One day she'll realized she was kind of a prop in her father's life. That's not a good feeling. Of course maybe he realized "Hey! This isn't cool! If I can't stop being a total dick sack, maybe I shouldn't involve my daughter!" Who knows.



My best friend is a single mom of two beautiful, wonderful, precious, hysterical girls. Seeing her struggles has opened my eyes a little bit. Where there's a single dad? There's a Jen. And Jen works hard. And I love her. Making things difficult for her? Makes things difficult for the girls.


That's the LAST thing I'd ever want to do.




I'm not saying all relationships are perfect. I'm not saying the other partner is a pleasure and a joy and drama free. That part I can't get into. I think that's why I'm so empathetic of this situation.






Because I can't imagine having a child with someone and then having to share my family with a stranger.




If you're a woman or a man who can do that? And keep it civil, and right, and prioritized? More power to you. I can't imagine what that feels like.





I know a lot of really great single parents. I know a lot of really terrible ones. I know a lot of good people who have children together but AREN'T together... but are still doing a great job raising their children. I know a lot of couples who are together for the kids.


There's a million different situations.






My advice to the single, kidless daters. I'm not saying "DON'T DATE SINGLE PARENTS!"



I'm saying...


Have respect. Have understanding. Have patience.

The Last Year Before the Dirty

I'm coming up close to 29, here. In a few short weeks I'll begin the final year of my 20's. Am I where I thought I would be? No. Fuck no. There's no way I ever could have seen what was in store for me. I actually did one of those marriage pacts with my first high school boyfriend after we broke up. If we weren't married by 30, we'd dive in, suck it up and marry each other. When you're 17 years old, 30 seems like a world away. I guess it kinda was. Of course, now his wife just gave birth to their second son. SO I guess I'm S.O.L on that one.




But this is my money year. At 29 women are strong and ready to take on the world. There's still that little glimmer of hope, and excitement, and optimism and we have just enough confidence to push us on into that life hurdle that has so much pressure placed on it. 29 has become the last chance year. Katherine Heigl has assured us of that. But if we're quirky, put on our big girl dress pants, and a white blouse that tastefully shows our nipples... we will all soon land husbands.

Fuck. That.





At 28 3/4. I feel I'm wise to dating. I've been doing it since I was 15 (Jesus....). I'd like to say I've seen it all. Of course I don't look back on all of that fondly.. but I learned a lot. If not about men, but myself. I'm one of those people who has zero regrets. I'll be the first to admit that I've done a lot of stupid shit but I'm GLAD I did as apparently I needed to learn a lesson. Which, I did. And have. And continue to do.






I've learned to say what's on my mind. Those of you who KNOW me may find this to be a shock. But I once was very quiet, very naïve, and quite the doormat. I was shy, and insecure (Of course I'd KILL to have that body back... but dress it better...) and would let anyone come in and run my life. Redirect it. And that's fucking nonsense.







With women's rights still in limbo all over the place.. I think it's about as important for women to take a stand for themselves as much as it was needed during the Women's movement. It's time for another one.

 But we've gotta start as individuals. This will NEVER happen as long as I keep hearing women say things like "Well, I can't work as fast as him because I'm a chick!" Or "A woman can't do that as well as a man could.." and "Women shouldn't ever give a rim job"

WHAT?!




First of all... Shut the fuck up. You just put us back 60 years. And second of all? It's our RIGHT to give rim jobs.

Seriously though. If women continue to put themselves down, and to let people come in and run their lives, no wonder this is happening. We're going to end up back in the kitchen, barefoot, and expected to bear sons who will impregnate other daughters for more sons.

It starts with you. With us. Being a confident woman is fucking cool. But it's hard. People will doubt you about everything and try to bring you down. But you gotta own that shit. Know what's good for you, and what you want and stand by it. It's your life. It's your body. It's your mind. It's your tongue.

I've lived by myself for almost 2 years. I have a great job. I see friends. I go out. I write. I sing. I perform. I get laid. I have fun. I work hard. And I laugh. Every. Fucking. Day.



What do I hear CONSTANTLY? Negativity. People judging my lifestyle and how I live, and what makes me happy, and my language, and how I date.





"How do you work 3 jobs? You must be crazy!"

No. I think YOU'RE crazy for giving up your passion which you love, to work a job you hate.








"Oh. You're still in retail? Do you ever want a REAL job?"

Oh. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize my job was fake! Listen. I work full time running a store, I get benefits, a 401k, competitive salary, bonuses, stock options, and a rollie chair. Didn't realize a job had to be 9-5 to be considered a career. And no I don't need life insurance.









 "Isn't is scary/sad/depressing living alone?"

No. It's refreshing. It's calming. It's comforting. It's peaceful. And I enjoy it more than I thought I would. It's only scary when there's a giant silverfish and I lose sight of it before I can grab a shoe.










"Your swearing makes you sound rude, and less smart"

I'm more honest AND more intelligent than *you* are, fuck face!










"Isn't your biological clock ticking?"

No. I tossed that shit out years ago. I'm on my own time and my own terms and my own wants and my own desires.










"When did you decide to become a hipster?"

I'm not. Fun fact! Glasses were first invented to help people see. They come with actual lenses that helps the visually impaired! They just seem to only come in hipster form now. And I just happen to like the Ukulele.

"Do you think he's 'the one'???"

The one? The one what? My favorite? Yes.








"Don't you want to settle down and get married?"

There's nothing about me that wants to 'settle' for anything. The minute I settle... is the minute life becomes obsolete. Life is an adventure and I'm pretty sure mine is going to continually change and reshape. Try and keep up.







Ladies... This is our time. Believe it or not? There are men out there who support this. Good men. It's not like you're going to end up wearing corduroy skirts and moccasins and alone your whole life. Take a chance, take a stand, be proud, be confident, make a difference, and stand fucking tall. Be Strong. Women.

But don't be a fucking bitch. We need to stop bringing each other down and competing for stupid shit. This is for us. This is for (not mine, but your...) daughters. This is real.



The more we fight? The more they have to fight. The louder we are? The louder they have to be. The taller we stand? The farther they fall.






I don't care who you are or who you want to be. But your desire for that doesn't trump anyone else's desire for the same right.








Rim jobs and equality for all!!!!!