Whassamata you?!

So when I started this Blog.. I specifically didn't want it to be all weepy, whiny, wishy, washy typical girl drama bullshit. I wanted something better than the norm. Something stronger to get women out of the stereotype we continue to fall into.

WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAA!!

I only wanted to blog when my mind was clear from distraction, and had a goal in mind. A topic. A fucking point. But one of my Beeches (who totally called me during writing.. haha! At least I'm not checking out at Wegmans..) advised me to blog tonight. *shrugs* why the hell not? I half apologize if this entry comes across as seemingly attention seeking. That is not my intent. I am not fully focused. I'm insanely distracted and scatterbrained. I'm vulnerable. Here we go.


I'm a woman. Yes. I know. Shock. I'm also Irish, German, a Leo and I live in New York (Not City, mind you.. It's a big state!) But I have this hard shell. Like I'm some tough broad who always has a come back and no pair of baby blues will get me to sweat. At least not when anyone's looking... I digress. Sometimes I can be a bit too hard. Other times I'm a complete door mat. Depends on how much wine I had the night before. Whenever feelings get involved I turn into a big pile of Suzie home maker and want nothing more than to please my man.

Someone please hit me for saying that. Thank you. God I need a Xanax...


But my problem now seems to be... It seems you only get to know one side of a person. In this day and age (sorry... that's lame) everything is so rushed, and fast... You have to almost present yourself in an appealing way or else you might miss Mr. Right. What if you have an off day? Ya know... Stayed up way too late.. runnin on 3 hours of sleep, no shower, covered in cat hair, bloodshot eyes, 2 different shoes, no belt, and you're wearing the jeans with the zipper that magically falls down. What the hell did you do to your hair? Is that a tye dye do-rag? Totally in this week... What happens then? That's me *some*times... certainly not ALL the time.. once or twice a week, max.

Other days my hair is this insane pile of beautiful curls that flow like a Pantene commercial.... eye catching jewelry... a fantastic top.... great shoes... and a quick wit/charming combo which your mother will LOOOOOVE.....

 That's a good day! But people change. How do you ever really know who you're getting?

 I completely change when I get into a relationship. I freak out, lose my shit, get all paranoid like he's cheating on me, or just... any kind of cliche' "I've been hurt before!" psycho bullshit... I face it.. but I can't seem to change. I'm sure there's some abandonment/daddy issues here somewhere. Stepping back to my last entry about nice guys... I'm just afraid that they're going to turn. The shoe is going to drop. There's some deep dark secret and I'm invested already and now I'm stuck and this is my life ohmygodwhatthefuckhelpmepleaaaseihatemytwentieslemmeooouuuutttttttnow!


Before there's a commitment... when I'm with an asshat.. I don't care. I realize he's most likely fucking all sorts of wonderful pleasantries and I accept it.

This is a sick world.

There. See? I'm vulnerable. I'm weak. I'm confused... I'm tired....


I'm a fucking human being.

I have no verdict in this entry. I have no substance. I feel as if I'm cheating the blogging world by posting this one. But maybe we need a blog of impulse and slight insanity every once in a while.