The Olde Heave (a) Hoe

So when you're heaved back into the land of Singledom there's a number of choices and roads you can take. You can do the rebound thing and sleep with the next person to buy you a drink/answer their phone/look at you.

 You can say "I'M NEVER DATING AGAIN!" and then call an ex to come over and date your vagina for 15 or so minutes. You can hang out with your female friends who will get you sloppy drunk wasted until you end up making out with a gay man.

 You can deem yourself a lesbian and experiment. You can go into a nunnery. You can adopt a new cat. Or you can do what I do.







Nothing.








This is new. Typically I've done one or all of the above situations I mentioned above. But that game grows old and I'm tired. However! It's still fun to watch. Unfortunately there are low times filled with insult and irrational (are they?) women's thoughts.

I was invited to spend a vibrant, passion filled, night of sex and dirty nonsense. I declined. I later discover this man has a 'Date' lined up with another woman.

 

 

 

Riddle me this. Why does she get the date and I get the sex? Is it because I'm chubby so he doesn't want to take me out to dinner? Is my laugh too obnoxious to go see a movie with me?




Nothing says "Hey! I don't want to be seen in public with you...So.. I'm not taking you out. But I wouldn't mind being inside of you for an evening!" quite like that.





Listen. Let's be real, here. I'm a woman. It's easy for a woman to get laid. It's hard to get the 'Dating' experience. Of course... who am I kidding? I'm a modern day woman. I often pay SOMEthing. Be it my share, the tip (heh...) whatever. I don't mind. But the offer is still nice. And no I'm not saying I wanted to go out with him or that I'm sad or whatever. I'm just wondering what the deal is. Why does she get to get all dolled up and get to go out and get free drinks, and doors opened for her and an arm to escort her.... when I get to play creature of the deep lagoon with the lights off?

Maybe I'm not classy enough or something.





Then there's those situations that begin with a physical relationship (typically you're a rebound but that's fine because you're going through some stuff) then you start hearing less and less from them. No more #nudes. Then it happens. You have the conversation of "Just checking up on ya!" and they throw in a:


"Yeah.. I'm ok. Just talking with this one girl.."


Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

There it is.


I guess I'm just a little focused on the "How do we get here?" piece of it all. When you stand back to take a better look... it all seems kind of random. Chaos. Poor rations. Who's in charge here?




See.. what's going to happen now is.. I'm going to get all kinds of responses from men stating that they would love to take me out or have sex with me or both! And hey. More power to ya. But I'm sure there are girls out there who you would ONLY have sex with. Or ONLY take to a movie. This is the piece. The pick and choose.




In a world of Apples and Oranges.... I'm a Kumquat. No one quite knows what to do with it.

Daddy Issues

The first time I ever dated a baby daddy.. I was 18 years old. He was 23 and had a 2 year old. I've dated/seen a handful since then. This topic has really been bothering me a lot lately but because I don't have kids of my own, for some reason, whatever I have to say is invalid. Regardless of who's side I'm on. So keep in mind I'm fully aware that I don't have any children. Can we deal with this? Ok great. Moving on.



So we all know the dating websites. There's sites for EVERYTHING now. Some of my favorites include:




"Successful Black Men!"
                                                          



"Hippie Men!"

"Rich men!"

And the purpose...


"Meet Single Dads!"

I think it started in the 90's. We'll call it Danny Tanner Syndrome. Where suddenly it occurred to women that this is going to happen sometimes. There will be a man out there who has kids but not a wife. Of course, this was STILL wholesome in that Danny Tanner was a widow and not battling a bitter divorce. But you get my point.

Here's the thing. It's SO COMMON NOW. There are SO many single parents out there who don't take their children or their ex's seriously. If you don't respect that... no one else will.




I started seeing someone YEARS ago. He had a daughter. I met her on like.. date # 2. That was the date. The date was for me to come over and meet his little girl. So.. I sat down and played with her. By the end of the night she was calling me mommy and giving me hugs.



I'm good with kids. I'm not THAT good.



Then? He never called me again.






I was devastated. I suddenly had a daughter and a man who used her as a pawn to get laid and then it was gone?! Heartbroken. Where would I ever find another man like that??

Fucking everywhere.






Let's get down to the nitty gritty. If you're dating someone with a child... You can never expect to be priority number 1. You range as a priority from 3 to whatever. But the highest you'll ever deeply be is a 3. Why? I'll tell you why.





You don't know what happened. You know what he TELLS you. You don't know the real details, or the words that were said, or the feelings felt, or the jokes they had, or the things they did.... You don't know what he did for her during their pregnancy. Or the delivery. That needs to be taken into consideration.

Too often we go in there with the "Her or me!" mentality. If you're with a good, decent, responsible man? You're out. Because "She" will ALWAYS be there. Having a kid together is a lifetime deal. I don't know why or how people have forgotten that. KIDS ARE A BIG DEAL.

Here's a show that makes me sick.


Pregnant and Dating.



Have you heard about this?



I don't have a lot of judgies but JUDGIES ON THAT SHIT!






It's just not taken seriously. The next generation of children are going to have SO MANY DADDY/MOMY DEAREST ISSUES it's not funny.





How many women met that same little girl I did? How many women has she called "Mommy"? I highly doubt he settled down with the chick after me. One day she'll realized she was kind of a prop in her father's life. That's not a good feeling. Of course maybe he realized "Hey! This isn't cool! If I can't stop being a total dick sack, maybe I shouldn't involve my daughter!" Who knows.



My best friend is a single mom of two beautiful, wonderful, precious, hysterical girls. Seeing her struggles has opened my eyes a little bit. Where there's a single dad? There's a Jen. And Jen works hard. And I love her. Making things difficult for her? Makes things difficult for the girls.


That's the LAST thing I'd ever want to do.




I'm not saying all relationships are perfect. I'm not saying the other partner is a pleasure and a joy and drama free. That part I can't get into. I think that's why I'm so empathetic of this situation.






Because I can't imagine having a child with someone and then having to share my family with a stranger.




If you're a woman or a man who can do that? And keep it civil, and right, and prioritized? More power to you. I can't imagine what that feels like.





I know a lot of really great single parents. I know a lot of really terrible ones. I know a lot of good people who have children together but AREN'T together... but are still doing a great job raising their children. I know a lot of couples who are together for the kids.


There's a million different situations.






My advice to the single, kidless daters. I'm not saying "DON'T DATE SINGLE PARENTS!"



I'm saying...


Have respect. Have understanding. Have patience.

The Last Year Before the Dirty

I'm coming up close to 29, here. In a few short weeks I'll begin the final year of my 20's. Am I where I thought I would be? No. Fuck no. There's no way I ever could have seen what was in store for me. I actually did one of those marriage pacts with my first high school boyfriend after we broke up. If we weren't married by 30, we'd dive in, suck it up and marry each other. When you're 17 years old, 30 seems like a world away. I guess it kinda was. Of course, now his wife just gave birth to their second son. SO I guess I'm S.O.L on that one.




But this is my money year. At 29 women are strong and ready to take on the world. There's still that little glimmer of hope, and excitement, and optimism and we have just enough confidence to push us on into that life hurdle that has so much pressure placed on it. 29 has become the last chance year. Katherine Heigl has assured us of that. But if we're quirky, put on our big girl dress pants, and a white blouse that tastefully shows our nipples... we will all soon land husbands.

Fuck. That.





At 28 3/4. I feel I'm wise to dating. I've been doing it since I was 15 (Jesus....). I'd like to say I've seen it all. Of course I don't look back on all of that fondly.. but I learned a lot. If not about men, but myself. I'm one of those people who has zero regrets. I'll be the first to admit that I've done a lot of stupid shit but I'm GLAD I did as apparently I needed to learn a lesson. Which, I did. And have. And continue to do.






I've learned to say what's on my mind. Those of you who KNOW me may find this to be a shock. But I once was very quiet, very naïve, and quite the doormat. I was shy, and insecure (Of course I'd KILL to have that body back... but dress it better...) and would let anyone come in and run my life. Redirect it. And that's fucking nonsense.







With women's rights still in limbo all over the place.. I think it's about as important for women to take a stand for themselves as much as it was needed during the Women's movement. It's time for another one.

 But we've gotta start as individuals. This will NEVER happen as long as I keep hearing women say things like "Well, I can't work as fast as him because I'm a chick!" Or "A woman can't do that as well as a man could.." and "Women shouldn't ever give a rim job"

WHAT?!




First of all... Shut the fuck up. You just put us back 60 years. And second of all? It's our RIGHT to give rim jobs.

Seriously though. If women continue to put themselves down, and to let people come in and run their lives, no wonder this is happening. We're going to end up back in the kitchen, barefoot, and expected to bear sons who will impregnate other daughters for more sons.

It starts with you. With us. Being a confident woman is fucking cool. But it's hard. People will doubt you about everything and try to bring you down. But you gotta own that shit. Know what's good for you, and what you want and stand by it. It's your life. It's your body. It's your mind. It's your tongue.

I've lived by myself for almost 2 years. I have a great job. I see friends. I go out. I write. I sing. I perform. I get laid. I have fun. I work hard. And I laugh. Every. Fucking. Day.



What do I hear CONSTANTLY? Negativity. People judging my lifestyle and how I live, and what makes me happy, and my language, and how I date.





"How do you work 3 jobs? You must be crazy!"

No. I think YOU'RE crazy for giving up your passion which you love, to work a job you hate.








"Oh. You're still in retail? Do you ever want a REAL job?"

Oh. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize my job was fake! Listen. I work full time running a store, I get benefits, a 401k, competitive salary, bonuses, stock options, and a rollie chair. Didn't realize a job had to be 9-5 to be considered a career. And no I don't need life insurance.









 "Isn't is scary/sad/depressing living alone?"

No. It's refreshing. It's calming. It's comforting. It's peaceful. And I enjoy it more than I thought I would. It's only scary when there's a giant silverfish and I lose sight of it before I can grab a shoe.










"Your swearing makes you sound rude, and less smart"

I'm more honest AND more intelligent than *you* are, fuck face!










"Isn't your biological clock ticking?"

No. I tossed that shit out years ago. I'm on my own time and my own terms and my own wants and my own desires.










"When did you decide to become a hipster?"

I'm not. Fun fact! Glasses were first invented to help people see. They come with actual lenses that helps the visually impaired! They just seem to only come in hipster form now. And I just happen to like the Ukulele.

"Do you think he's 'the one'???"

The one? The one what? My favorite? Yes.








"Don't you want to settle down and get married?"

There's nothing about me that wants to 'settle' for anything. The minute I settle... is the minute life becomes obsolete. Life is an adventure and I'm pretty sure mine is going to continually change and reshape. Try and keep up.







Ladies... This is our time. Believe it or not? There are men out there who support this. Good men. It's not like you're going to end up wearing corduroy skirts and moccasins and alone your whole life. Take a chance, take a stand, be proud, be confident, make a difference, and stand fucking tall. Be Strong. Women.

But don't be a fucking bitch. We need to stop bringing each other down and competing for stupid shit. This is for us. This is for (not mine, but your...) daughters. This is real.



The more we fight? The more they have to fight. The louder we are? The louder they have to be. The taller we stand? The farther they fall.






I don't care who you are or who you want to be. But your desire for that doesn't trump anyone else's desire for the same right.








Rim jobs and equality for all!!!!!

Mutually Fatal Attraction

Do you remember back in the Livejournal/Myspace days.. there used to be these fucking quizzes all the fucking time? It was basically an opportunity to answer hundreds of questions about yourself to get someone to notice you and shit. It ranged from age and favorite color to the last thing you had eaten to "Have you ever seen anyone die?". They were legit ridiculous. It was like an interview. You were set up for greatness if you had the 'right' answers... You could really use these quizzes as an advantage! But I remember, despite my teenage mind, one question that always annoyed the SHIT out of me. More so the response.


The question was this:

"What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?"


People ALWAYS FUCKING WROTE THE SAME THING!



"Their personality"

What the fuck? Are we all fucking psychics? I'm sorry. How the FUCK do you know someone's personality and all around psyche from seeing them tie their shoe on the sidewalk? When you see someone for the first time you OBVIOUSLY SEE them before anything. Unless it's a priest and you're in confession and you're sitting behind one of those screen wall things. Or blind.


Of course I always responded with "Their height"


Wise beyond my years...





I'm friends with a lot of local names, if you will. I have a lot of friends who work locally with radio, tv, newspapers, theatre... all that shit. So my facebook feed, of course, is full of posts from each DJ, and KJ, and producer, and sports guy, and this guy, and that chick, and the guy in marketing, and the other guy in marketing, and the producer, and the old producer, and the chick who used to be the producer but now lives in Ohio and works at Payless.

Anyways. We're a sexual town here in Syracuse New York. So the more adult focused radio stations often post pictures of hot girls.

*Tangent*

What the fuck, ladies? If you're going to take a sexy pic of yourself please clean your fucking (bath/bed)room. It's fucking gross. Seriously. At least let your mother be proud of something when she finds your picture on the internet. And what's with all the goddamn Hello Kitty? You're 32 years old. Get over it. You can have one. ONE.


*End Tangent*


So every day I see pictures of attractive, scantly clad women seductively licking their fingers and sticking their asses out and people critique these women. Granted, if you put yourself out there you have to be open to positive and negative. You just gotta be prepared for this shit. Hatas gon hate. But people are so fucking ridiculous. If someone isn't your type? Or you aren't attracted to them? Who gives a fuck! But that doesn't make them ugly. NONE of these women are ugly. Some might have a weird face or something, but certainly nothing out of the ordinary.


Men jump all over this. Suddenly they're like the fucking gate keepers. Like they've never been sitting at a bar at 2:05 am scanning the room, wondering where they can stick it, and then end up getting turned down by average looking girls with morals. Fuck that, asshole.

 Get over yourself.


Recently I saw something different. A larger girl, or a BBW is you will, was posted. Girl had it together. Beautiful girl, hair was good, nice skin, gorgeous face, make up done well... but had a tummy. (Actual photo)

Now this I was of course, thrilled to see, for a few reasons.



One? I've never been a small girl. I refer to myself as a teapot (short and stout). I've got a muffin top, a decent ass, gazongas that make my back hurt, and my thighs will eventually rip holes in all of my jeans. However I also have a waist, curves, and can kill a man with my calf muscles. I'm the different kind of pretty. I'm a specific kind of pretty. I'm not saying this shit for compliments. I don't have low self esteem (anymore) and I don't think I need to look like Megan fucking Fox. I like who I am. There are plenty of people who think I'm attractive. Seriously. I'm good. Like... 87% of the time. My hair is fucking tits.

Two? I got to see all the comments. Men who are fond of the bigger girls... LIVE this lifestyle. They will defend this beauty to the death. For that, I thank you. But seriously.. Where were you in high school?





Three? I got to see all the women unite. Which may as well be a miracle. Every woman who commented said something about this girl being beautiful.





Some people of course did jump on and make whale jokes, and fat jokes and "Ewwww"s and "No fucking way!"



To which.. at that point they sounded mad ignint, yo.






Getting down to the basics. There are certain things that we, as human beings, are attracted to and not attracted to. That doesn't make us shallow. There has to be some sort of mutual attraction there for anything to work. It's natural.





People get into this "Out of my league" thing. Despite how I feel about myself, I am guilty of this. A few years ago, I was talking to my boyfriend at the time. About the new Batman movie (The Dark Knight). My boyfriend did not find Maggie Gyllenhaal attractive in the SLIGHTEST. This led to a conversation that went something like this:

Boy: "I don't understand why he wants to be with her so bad."

Woman: "He's been in love with her for years.. it's... just always been. He loves her. She's the leading lady"

Boy: "Yeah but now he's rich, and famous and has models hanging all over him. Why would he still be hellbent over this average looking woman?"

Woman: "So.. He's out of her league?"

Boy: "Yeah!.......... I mean, not before, but now that he's rich......!"

Woman: "So... you love me now, but if you got rich and famous, you'd dump me for a hot girl?"

Boy: ".................Uh....................."

Woman: "So when I get rich and famous, you won't have any hard feelings when I end up with Smith Jared?"

Boy: "What? Why would you say that?!"

I kinda get what he meant by that but... At the same time it threw me for a loop. He was always very sentimental and romantic when it came to love and the realness of it. It hurt to see how even a man with the strongest feelings of what love stands for could lose it like that.







My point is this.


Beauty fades. We shrink. We wrinkle. We crack. We break. Our hair turns grey and falls out. We get weak. We grow old.




How. Important. Is. All. Of. This?








Be who you want to be. Be who you want to be with. Break rules. Turn heads. Run with it. Run like hell. Embrace it. Don't try to explain it. Fucking live it.






We ain't got the time.

Porn and Panda Paws Pow Wow

I currently have a lot of pregnant friends. I still find it odd to have friends who are married, and have (planned) children. I'm 28. It's been happening for a while. Lately? This whole baby... kid... family... thing has been very much in my face and it's starting to get smelly.

Believe it or not.. I actually love kids. I just feel like I have to ACT as if your children have the plague so I don't have to hear every fucking detail about their cute, brilliant little lives. Every fucking parent thinks their kid is a fucking genius. And the most stunning. And hysterical. And ahead of their percentile. The fuck does that mean?! I don't mean to be rude but... Who gives a shit?!

Show me a picture. Tell me one little story every now and then. But calm the fuck down with the details. I don't need to know about poop. And spit up. And fucking... shoes. I don't know.


And don't fucking act like I can't be tired because I don't have kids. Nothing angers me more than a parental one upper. Yes. I know babies don't sleep through the night. Yes I know your tits feed them. Yes. I know. We ALL know. We've seen the status updates. I do work 70-80 hours a week but you win! Because your nipples are chapped. Mine are beautiful. Sup nips?!

Do us a favor, eh? Take a step back. Remember what it was like BEFORE you had kids. That's where I'm at. I'm sitting in my comphy clothes, eating ice cream, listening to Bach while I blog my collected thoughts.

This life is fucking awesome. Don't try to sell me on yours. I'm sure it's great. Because you tell me all the fucking time. But really? I'm pretty happy.



I think it's funny that people feel sorry for people like me. If I hear one more comment about dying cold and alone, I'm going to make your husband a widow. Just to spite you. Because ya know what? I'm not GOING to die cold and alone. Because I'm fucking cool, and I have a million fucking friends. I also have nieces, and nephews. And feline camaraderie. I. Am. Set.

But let's face it. Our society hasn't been the most accepting. Especially lately. But it's still difficult for a woman to hold her own in this world. It's 2013. Let's get the fuck over this hurdle, shall we?



I've climbed the corporate ladder. I got my first RETAIL job when I was 18. I started as a seasonal associate. The next year I came back and stayed on through the year. Then I was promoted to a part time manager. Then assistant manager. I'm now a General Manager. I've been in retail for 10 (fucking) years. I got this. Not even a full week into this position, 2 men from the paper came to my store looking to promote some special. They came in and asked for "your manager?". To which I replied "That's me!". The two glanced at one another and back at me with matching plastic grins. "You're the manager? As in... THE manager?". To which I calmly and collectively replied "Yes. THE manager. What can I do for you?". Took every part of my being not to say something jazzy fresh.




It was as if they came to my front door and asked if my mommy or daddy were home and they didn't believe that the babysitter was the head of household. Fuck you. If you two men ran such a good fucking business you'd still have the physical paper 7 days a week when instead print media has been run into the ground and I'm forced to read the paper via fucking internet. Great job. Family Circus will never be the same.

Regardless. I was kinda taken back by that. Who the fuck are these guys?!




I'm not saying we haven't made progress. We have. We definitely have. But we're still stuck in some gender specific roles and expectations and it's hard to break away from that.




Because I'm not dead set on marriage or kids or the white picket fence life... I'm frowned upon. It's not that I haven't had the opportunity. I've been almost engaged like 3 times. I've been house hunting. I've done all that and it never seemed... right. It all felt fake, like I was trying to shove a puzzle piece into a light socket.



I'm also not AGAINST it. I just think it's thrown around so easily... and we miss out on the actual joys, experiences and relationships. But you're married so.. congrats.




I will be at your wedding. I will be at your baby shower. I will bring you a badass baby outfit and some nipple cream. Because I'm happy for you. If you're happy? I'm happy.



Such an odd concept. I know.




Listen. We're learning. We're exploring. We're expanding. We're slowly gaining courage to try something new.




Fuck the Old Maid. I'm fucking fabulous.

Floating Band-Aid in the water

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret. I'm going to let you know why women are fucking crazy.

Women are fucking crazy for a number of reasons. Many factors play a role but... Here's the largest.


Women. Need. Fucking. Closure.




We don't do well with that whole "He's just not that into you" bullshit thing. We don't do well with "I just don't feel it" Or... even worse... When we get blown off? Done. You're fucking done.




Here's the catch. We can say that shit to you. It makes sense then. But women cannot fathom the idea that we aren't good enough. It can literally kill us.






Blowing off a woman... The gloves are off. Maybe you didn't know but women are all actually ninjas. We are FBI ninjas. Trained. To. Be. Psycho.

It's in our blood. When we sleep, there's a  little fucking projector that plays psycho creepy shit behind our eyelids. We can find your new phone number, your hidden facebook page, and your mother's house. And we will make friends with her. And you can't tell your mom why she can't be friends with us because then you'd have to tell your mother you fucked some girl then left her out to dry.


Barbara don't like that! Barbara done raised her boy better than that!

Often I try to say that it's not a woman thing or a man thing, it's a people thing. But in this case? It's very much a difference of sexes.



Along with peeing standing up, this is something I envy about men.



The ability to brush it off.



Ooooohhhh how I LONG to have the superhero power to brush it the fuck off, and move on!!




But alas. I have a fucking vagina. Despite how cool and laid back I am... I have a lot of these obnoxious tendencies. As long as a guy is open and honest with me... It's all good! But the moment I feel brushed off... It's fucking on. Suddenly I'm twitching. I'm distracted. I'm self conscious. And I'm PISSED. I can't let it die.

We get so angry!!!!


Why? I'll fuckin tell you.







Women have incredible imaginations. We really do. But here's the problem. We start imagining things are happening. Possible happenings. This results in anger, and poor decisions. I give you the song "Before He Cheats" By Carrie Underwood. There are literally no facts in that song except the fact that she's going all ape shit crazy, carving her name into his car and shit because she THINKS he's PROBABLY cheating.  Gentleman? You may not know this.. But you can break our hearts without having done anything. But, to be fair, we do give you the benefit of the doubt to start..




For example.




Scenario: A woman cannot get in contact with her feller.


" Maybe he's not near his phone."




Time passes. Nothing.




"Well.. Maybe he's out of service!"





Time passes.





"His phone must be dead... But.. it didn't go straight to voicemail..."





Time passes.






"Oh god! Maybe he's dead!"







Time passes







"I better check facebook..."









Time passes.






"... Who the fuck is Kimberly?!!??!!!??!??!?!!?!!!?!? It's WINTER! Why is she in a BIKINI!?!?!"
 





Time passes








"HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH KIMBERLY BECAUSD SHE'S HOT AND I'M AVERAGE AND HE'S WITH HER RIGHT NOW LAUGHING AT MY TEXT MESSAGES AND MISSED CALLS AND MY NON SEXY PROFILE PICTURE AND MY FACE AND MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"





*fin*








So we dwell on this until we hear back from you with an explanation. And even then.. we're hurt. Even though you didn't actually DO anything except take your mother grocery shopping and leave your cell in the car.






This is why I'm big on communication. The guessing/worrying game is exhausting.



Women sometimes still have that worry instinct. That motherly protector thing. Combine that with EVERYONE'S lack of trust now a days.. add time... 2 parts FBI ninja = Kimberly BJ special.



When we do this? The "other" (imaginary) woman is always flawless. Perfect. Exactly what we want to be. Her house is always perfect. She dresses right, and has the perfect snack available. She's smart AND funny... She's nice... and has no idea about me. She goes running.. has a good job... good car... comes from a good family. Everything.



We go through phases:


Shock!

Pissed!!!!!!

Hurt..!

Confused!

Understanding.

...acceptance

.... misery.....


ice cream.




To my knowledge... We can't help it. Maybe I'm completely wrong in this. Maybe this is MY experience and no one else's... In which case, I had better get another cat.

We beat ourselves up. Literally, over nothing. As strong as you can be, nothing makes you feel quite so weak than having put yourself through something as stupid and nonsensical as the above scenario.




Then after all that? You're the one who feels guilt.



Fuck.



You trust? You get hurt. You don't trust? You hurt yourself.


Catch 69.








Guys.. we don't want to be psycho. But we've all got a little bit of it in us. We don't like it any more than you do. If you can trust anything in this world... Trust that.




Let's make a pact. Guys? Cut us ladies some slack on the psycho. Ladies? Let's cut guys a break with the toilet seat thing. Seriously. They have to lift it TO piss because of us... We shouldn't have a problem lowering it after them.

Except at night.
 




Fucking ass bath...

Paging Doctor Feel Gloom

It's not YOU...it's ME!!! Ok no. It's actually you.



Ha.. if I had a nickel...


"Hey girl..."




So someone asked me to write very specifically about men sabotaging relationships. I can't do that. I can't write about men, specifically sabotaging relationships. Because bitches be cray cray too. As much as guys are players, I think women actually have more issues causing emotional stress and in turn will sabotage. Instead I'm opening the window to people. People who sabotage relationships.

I know I've done it. I've got some incredible novel worthy baggage which has been left in my terminal mind. Here's the kicker. We don't always know when we're doing it. Then when someone calls us out on it we put up our defenses and drop the asshole card.

So this is a big reason in my desire for awareness. I would look back on situations and say "Hm. Why the fuck did that bother me so much?" Or "Why did I protest that so much? Why did I feel so strongly?" And.. I no longer have an answer other than the fact of being called out. Fucked up, right? Again. Let's get back to neutral.



There's nothing worse (especially lately) than a closed mind. If you're unwilling to see someone else's point, or view, in polite conversation... you are pretty low in my book. Especially if you're lacking any experience on the subject. For example. If you married the first person you ever dated, you cannot talk to me about dating. Settling, maybe. But not dating. Total judgies on your judgies.

So why do we do this sabotage thing? I think there are two main reasons.


ONE!


There's no interest. Be it you aren't attracted physically, or mentally.. you don't feel anything. It's not a situation worth investing. Or you deserve better. Or hey, THEY deserve better. Or you actually want to just be friends (which is a whole other blog).


and TWO!


You're petrified. It's all of a sudden very monogamous. Very real. You're invested, they're invested... getting "serious".  All day, every day.. texting, calling, fucking, dinner, dates... Somehow it snuck up on you and you're off guard and it's scary. Poor baby.






There's obviously other reasons, of course but I really feel as if these two are the main reasons we do what we do. We become bitches. We become assholes. We become playas and hoes. Do we feel better? No.








When I see young people getting so invested in relationships... It's so hard not to step in and say "Hey. Take a step back and chill for a sec.." But I know when I was 18 and dating a 28 year old.. I wasn't gonna hear none of that! Ain't got no time. Some people end up alright, but for the rest of us? Most of our baggage comes from age 18-25. So... kids, have fun with that.

 

 

 

 

 

You're out on your own for the first time in this big world and you're trying to find out who you are, find out what you're good at, what you want to do, what your goals are, where you want to be.... And you're also spouse hunting. Wtf?




I get it. The excitement of no curfew. No rules. You can do what you want and you're excited to get out there and strut. You're an adult. You want to do adult things! Like drink, and smoke, and get it on. You're doing laundry, grocery shopping, paying bills...

Here's a reminder. You do that for the rest of your life. Eventually your Saturday nights will entail Laundry, Dishes, and watching a movie you first saw in high school with your cat. Then you remember all the friends you used to have... and the friends you have now. Life changes, cupcake.




The other day someone asked the question of why they can't find a good, normal girl. Here is my response.



We got hurt.




Earlier this week, I had a very difficult day. My best friend called and asked to do lunch. So we did. We ended up spending the entire day together and I'm so glad I did. I'm a tough cookie but sometimes you need a big fucking cheeseburger with an onion ring on it, and a margarita at noon.


We discussed the events and hardships of our lives. We've both been through some fucked up shit, as most girls our ages have. At one point I decided and said I'm glad I have these experiences. As shitty as parts of my life have been, as tough as some of the struggle, and as many times as I've brushed myself off, I'm glad to have gotten this far and I'm glad I am who I am. I may not look like much and people for the most part, have no idea what I've been through and doubt I've had any major troubles at all. Here's a newsflash. Everyone is fighting a battle. Because you don't know about it? Doesn't mean it's not happening every single day. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Some days I don't want to leave my house. Some days I don't. Some nights I can't sleep. Some nights I lay awake staring out the window at the stars with tears in my eyes and a mascara soaked pillow. Some days I don't think I can face the world, or the people in it.

But other days? I wake up smiling. I never quite jump out of bed, but you get my point. Some days I can't stop singing. Some days I say hello to everyone I see. Some nights I lay awake at the stars and think of nothing but. Some days I laugh so hard I cry and need to catch my breath.




Take things with a grain of salt. Some days are fucking shitty, and impossible. What usually gets me through those days are the OTHER days. The good days. The laughing days. The smiling days. The Happy Days.

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 

My point is... We've all got shit. We all have stories. We all have struggles.



But we're fucking strong. We're such an emotional animal... Thoughts, experiences, memories... constantly in our minds. In a way it isn't fair. We hold onto things so tightly so they're always there somewhere. Sometimes it gets the best of us, and we become overwhelmed.





Let's do ourselves a favor here and cut some slack. Let's work on trust. It's a give and take, and a major group effort. If we can be honest with each other... and trust each other... our 30's don't have to be as hard as our 20's.




We're human. We're all human. Let's keep that in mind. 





You got this.