So I've done a lot of thinking lately with my entire being and mindset as whole. Something came to mind today while seeing my old nic name "Hot Fries". One person used to call me that and haven't heard it in 11 years. My friend Jimmy used to call me that. He'd always listen to my petty 16 year old problems and stories and tell me to smile more. He was the first person to really tell me my smile "lights up the room!". He was always so happy. I knew he had stuff going on but he was always interested in me. And hearing about my day. I was shocked to find one day, that he had taken his life. Even now as I write that... I had to stop and pause because I still can't fathom the idea of it. Of someone actually going through with that. It was as if the world had stopped.. and I had no idea how to handle it. I got dressed up and was ready to go to his calling hours.. But I never left the driveway. I couldn't move. It's the only calling hours I've ever missed. I've regretted it... Still do.
Of course when someone dies... people grieve.. and move on... That year I also lost my grandmother.
2 years later another friend. An ex boyfriend, actually, was killed while riding his bike on his way to a camping trip.We were planning to get together after his trip.
2 or 3 years after that I lost a childhood best friend to a drug overdose. She died in a bathtub in some skeezy motel off the highway. Last time I saw her mother, she still had this sadness in her eyes, and hugged me so tight I stopped breathing.
Lost my last 2 grandparents between those.Within a year of each other to the week.
3 years ago lost a friend, and well.. boss, I guess. He was fucking brilliant... A star too bright for this world.
Then a Great uncle, my church buddie.
2 days after (2 years ago today) a dear, talented friend to another car accident. He told me days before that he had found inner peace. And we hugged, and talked, and laughed and I hugged him as if I knew it would be the last time I'd ever see his sparkling eyes.
This year alone.. I've seen 2 very strong, very young women lose their husbands suddenly. And 2 un born babies who will never meet their fathers.
I don't mean to be a downer but I really want to emphasise that we don't stand a fucking chance. No one gets out of life alive. Why spend it sulking? And crying? And worrying? And fighting? There's ZERO control. I think because I've had so many losses... so many suddenly taken from me.. snatched from my fingertips... That I have to just.. Move on. I don't want to waste my life because as I've seen.. it can be over. In a fucking instant. And ya know what? Those I've lost would be fucking pissed at me for letting sadness get the best of me.
So ya know what I do?
I drink. I swear. I sing. I dance. I laugh. I fucking laugh A LOT. I smile. I cry. I tell people I love them. I hug. I kiss. I take pictures. I tell people what they mean to me. Because there's nothing worse than regret. I make people laugh.. I make people think. I try to keep my eyes open and try to figure out why things happen and I try to make the best of every situation. I try to learn from each experience. I believe in a higher power. I also believe people fucked with it all. Mainly I believe there shouldn't ever be a war or a death because of it.
Maybe this is why I seem to fear commitment. Maybe this is why I never pay all my bills on time. Maybe this is why I sometimes have ice cream for breakfast. Maybe this is why I go and stay out WAY too later with my best friends when I have to work the next morning. Maybe these "bad decisions" are what's making my life worth living?
Maybe it's ok to have sex in front of an open window in the middle of the day and your neighbor happens to see you entwined with a lover!
Maybe run on sentences are fine.
Maybe we need to lighten up and seriously live by my no judgie policy. Seriously. Stop it with the fucking judgies. We all have shit. We all suck sometimes. We all make really bad decisions. We've all done things we aren't proud of. It's all relative. Get off your pedestal and have fun with the people who don't give a shit. You might find your life is worth living if you fucking close the date book and go do something nuts and random one night.
Spend your last $6 on a mocha chocha lata yaya.
Now let's do some shots.
Ok so I'm not really sure how to take this. People keep trying to set me up. Like... twice in a week. I'm not sure if I should be flattered? Or offended. Do I seem desperate? Lonely? Am I obnoxiously single? Is it my time? My destiny? Is it in the hands of my old friend's brothers roommate?? All this time. The cherry on my sundae has been in Ithaca.
Who knew?
Seriously. I've been dating kinda! I've done a movie... I've done dinner!... I'm out there.
I think now we're in a world where not only are people afraid to be alone.. they're afraid for other people to be alone. It's their duty as a humanitarian to make sure I have someone to go apple picking with this autumn. And that I have someone to take me ice skating downtown this Winter.
When really? I may not have 1 specific person to do all that with. I may not have anything set in stone with anyone... But I can honestly say.. for the first time in my life I'm happy being me, and being alone. And saying "I'm alone" isn't some emo cry for help. Fuck you! There's nothing wrong. It's not like I'm some hermit cat lady....
I'm going to go do all that shit, by the way.... I make an incredible apple sauce. And I can do a pretty sweet twirly spin thing and not bust my ass or the ice. I'm fucking talented at this seasonal shit. I should have an apron that says that. "I'm fucking good at this shit. Kiss my ass"
Homemaker of the year..
I feel as if I should have several men in my life. This is something I'm half serious about. I'm legit, a complex person. I fucking love going out and doing shit.... I love staying home and doing the opposite. I love waking up early to go on some great adventure... I love waking up early to switch sides and stretch and fall back asleep.... I love dressing up and going out... drinking.. laughing... singing.. dancing.. all night... or.. throwing on pjs and a hoodie and splitting a bottle or 6 of wine with my beeches. I love going to hockey games. I love movies. I love concerts. I love musicals. I love cigar bars. I love townie bars. I love bar bars. I love spending time with my family. I love seeing old friends, and catching up with the regulars. I fucking love the zoo. I love coming home to someone. I love coming home to no one but my cat. I love having someone to let me in. I love not knowing what tomorrow will bring, and I love having an itinerary..
Until someone who will do all that shit comes around.. there's no need for me to settle. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
People are so focused on what's right and what's wrong... what's accepted... what's frowned upon... People get so caught up in that... they miss EVERYTHING... I used to just sit back and worry and wonder
and... still.. someone would disapprove of me. Or my life. Of my choices. Fuck that. Someone will ALWAYS disapprove. Always. Your best bet is to live how you want to live. Do what makes you happy, but fucking learn. LEARN. For the love of God, LEARN!!! Think of how you felt. How you feel... Do you disapprove? Are you dissatisfied? Are you bothered by it? Can you live with it? It's a big scary world out there. It's easy to make friends... it's easier to lose them. It's WAY easy to make enemies.
Take chances. Get out there. Do your thing. Do it for YOU. Not for the kid your uncle worked with on a job back last April.
Do it.
And then do my laundry.
