I hope you had the time of your life..

Ok. I'm being so average blogger lately. Again. I kinda apologize. I'm in a really strange place in life with a lot of big changes and I guess I'm struggling in knowing if I'm doing the right things or not. But some things have come up and I feel like It's my duty as a human being to bla bla bla about it to the virtual world like every other fucking American does. We sit on our asses and type shit to people in New Zealand who don't give a shit. I digress.

So here's the downer. I went to a funeral this week. This is nothing new. People die every day. I've been to countless wakes, funerals.... there's been a lot of great loss in my life. This is a scene of which I'm used. To. I'm used to it.

Shut up.



The tragic thing about this death is.. Not only was it entirely a shock and surprise to all... He was only 32. He was the brother in law to one of my best friends. I've met Steve a handful of times amongst the hustle and bustle of gatherings, and events.He's been married to Kelley for 6 years. They have 2 small children (whom are adorable and disgustingly brilliant and hysterical).



I want to go on to my subject. The bullshit and nothingness we've turned our lives and world into. Why do we waste so much time when we don't even know how much we've got?! It's like.. someone handing you a gift card without a balance. How much is on there? Can I buy a soda? A new couch? What?

We don't know a fucking thing.. yet we strut around like we've got all the time in the world.

 

We play games. We make bad decisions. We're selfish. We're rude. We're hurtful. We turn our backs on one another.



Why?



Why do we do these things?



These are questions I don't have answers for. We've all done these things... We've all done them for different reasons. I'm an Irish Catholic.. My conscience is incredibly intimidating. I feel bad.. and guilty.. and awful all the time. If I've hurt someone? It tears me up. Sure, I might never apologize, or own up... in fact.. some people might even call bullshit on me right now. But what about the people who don't give a shit at all about anyone but themselves? What's the deal? Are they just a shitty person? Were they raised that way? Are their parents shitty people too? Is it an acquired shitty?

I suppose what I'm getting at.. is to not waste your time on this Earth by being a negative soul. Be cautious in the things you do... but don't throw your life away. Do what makes you happy. Be with who makes you laugh. Go where you smile. Don't sweat the petty (different from petting the sweaty... next blog topic. noted.). Be someone people get excited to see. And be someone who makes people sad when they go.


We truly never know when we have to give up our energy. Live like it's tomorrow.

Whassamata you?!

So when I started this Blog.. I specifically didn't want it to be all weepy, whiny, wishy, washy typical girl drama bullshit. I wanted something better than the norm. Something stronger to get women out of the stereotype we continue to fall into.

WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAA!!

I only wanted to blog when my mind was clear from distraction, and had a goal in mind. A topic. A fucking point. But one of my Beeches (who totally called me during writing.. haha! At least I'm not checking out at Wegmans..) advised me to blog tonight. *shrugs* why the hell not? I half apologize if this entry comes across as seemingly attention seeking. That is not my intent. I am not fully focused. I'm insanely distracted and scatterbrained. I'm vulnerable. Here we go.


I'm a woman. Yes. I know. Shock. I'm also Irish, German, a Leo and I live in New York (Not City, mind you.. It's a big state!) But I have this hard shell. Like I'm some tough broad who always has a come back and no pair of baby blues will get me to sweat. At least not when anyone's looking... I digress. Sometimes I can be a bit too hard. Other times I'm a complete door mat. Depends on how much wine I had the night before. Whenever feelings get involved I turn into a big pile of Suzie home maker and want nothing more than to please my man.

Someone please hit me for saying that. Thank you. God I need a Xanax...


But my problem now seems to be... It seems you only get to know one side of a person. In this day and age (sorry... that's lame) everything is so rushed, and fast... You have to almost present yourself in an appealing way or else you might miss Mr. Right. What if you have an off day? Ya know... Stayed up way too late.. runnin on 3 hours of sleep, no shower, covered in cat hair, bloodshot eyes, 2 different shoes, no belt, and you're wearing the jeans with the zipper that magically falls down. What the hell did you do to your hair? Is that a tye dye do-rag? Totally in this week... What happens then? That's me *some*times... certainly not ALL the time.. once or twice a week, max.

Other days my hair is this insane pile of beautiful curls that flow like a Pantene commercial.... eye catching jewelry... a fantastic top.... great shoes... and a quick wit/charming combo which your mother will LOOOOOVE.....

 That's a good day! But people change. How do you ever really know who you're getting?

 I completely change when I get into a relationship. I freak out, lose my shit, get all paranoid like he's cheating on me, or just... any kind of cliche' "I've been hurt before!" psycho bullshit... I face it.. but I can't seem to change. I'm sure there's some abandonment/daddy issues here somewhere. Stepping back to my last entry about nice guys... I'm just afraid that they're going to turn. The shoe is going to drop. There's some deep dark secret and I'm invested already and now I'm stuck and this is my life ohmygodwhatthefuckhelpmepleaaaseihatemytwentieslemmeooouuuutttttttnow!


Before there's a commitment... when I'm with an asshat.. I don't care. I realize he's most likely fucking all sorts of wonderful pleasantries and I accept it.

This is a sick world.

There. See? I'm vulnerable. I'm weak. I'm confused... I'm tired....


I'm a fucking human being.

I have no verdict in this entry. I have no substance. I feel as if I'm cheating the blogging world by posting this one. But maybe we need a blog of impulse and slight insanity every once in a while.