Believe it or not.. I actually love kids. I just feel like I have to ACT as if your children have the plague so I don't have to hear every fucking detail about their cute, brilliant little lives. Every fucking parent thinks their kid is a fucking genius. And the most stunning. And hysterical. And ahead of their percentile. The fuck does that mean?! I don't mean to be rude but... Who gives a shit?!
Show me a picture. Tell me one little story every now and then. But calm the fuck down with the details. I don't need to know about poop. And spit up. And fucking... shoes. I don't know.
And don't fucking act like I can't be tired because I don't have kids. Nothing angers me more than a parental one upper. Yes. I know babies don't sleep through the night. Yes I know your tits feed them. Yes. I know. We ALL know. We've seen the status updates. I do work 70-80 hours a week but you win! Because your nipples are chapped. Mine are beautiful. Sup nips?!
Do us a favor, eh? Take a step back. Remember what it was like BEFORE you had kids. That's where I'm at. I'm sitting in my comphy clothes, eating ice cream, listening to Bach while I blog my collected thoughts.
This life is fucking awesome. Don't try to sell me on yours. I'm sure it's great. Because you tell me all the fucking time. But really? I'm pretty happy.
I think it's funny that people feel sorry for people like me. If I hear one more comment about dying cold and alone, I'm going to make your husband a widow. Just to spite you. Because ya know what? I'm not GOING to die cold and alone. Because I'm fucking cool, and I have a million fucking friends. I also have nieces, and nephews. And feline camaraderie. I. Am. Set.
But let's face it. Our society hasn't been the most accepting. Especially lately. But it's still difficult for a woman to hold her own in this world. It's 2013. Let's get the fuck over this hurdle, shall we?
I've climbed the corporate ladder. I got my first RETAIL job when I was 18. I started as a seasonal associate. The next year I came back and stayed on through the year. Then I was promoted to a part time manager. Then assistant manager. I'm now a General Manager. I've been in retail for 10 (fucking) years. I got this. Not even a full week into this position, 2 men from the paper came to my store looking to promote some special. They came in and asked for "your manager?". To which I replied "That's me!". The two glanced at one another and back at me with matching plastic grins. "You're the manager? As in... THE manager?". To which I calmly and collectively replied "Yes. THE manager. What can I do for you?". Took every part of my being not to say something jazzy fresh.
It was as if they came to my front door and asked if my mommy or daddy were home and they didn't believe that the babysitter was the head of household. Fuck you. If you two men ran such a good fucking business you'd still have the physical paper 7 days a week when instead print media has been run into the ground and I'm forced to read the paper via fucking internet. Great job. Family Circus will never be the same.
Regardless. I was kinda taken back by that. Who the fuck are these guys?!
I'm not saying we haven't made progress. We have. We definitely have. But we're still stuck in some gender specific roles and expectations and it's hard to break away from that.
Because I'm not dead set on marriage or kids or the white picket fence life... I'm frowned upon. It's not that I haven't had the opportunity. I've been almost engaged like 3 times. I've been house hunting. I've done all that and it never seemed... right. It all felt fake, like I was trying to shove a puzzle piece into a light socket.
I'm also not AGAINST it. I just think it's thrown around so easily... and we miss out on the actual joys, experiences and relationships. But you're married so.. congrats.
I will be at your wedding. I will be at your baby shower. I will bring you a badass baby outfit and some nipple cream. Because I'm happy for you. If you're happy? I'm happy.
Such an odd concept. I know.
Listen. We're learning. We're exploring. We're expanding. We're slowly gaining courage to try something new.
Fuck the Old Maid. I'm fucking fabulous.
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