It's the "OH MY GOD SIT WITH ME FOR 6 HOURS AND LOOK AT ALL THE PICTURES OF MY KIDS/VACATION/NEW CAR/HOUSE/PUPPY WUPPY SNUGLEPUSS!!!!!!!"
Throw me a fricken bone, right?
For the young kids out there in blogland... This person used to corner you in face to face at banks, restaurants, grocery stores, and family gatherings all across the country. You'd have the polite "Hi, how are ya? Good to see ya! Take care!" conversation.... Typically that's where any normal person would leave and carry on. Basically... acknowledge each other and move on with your lives. But this guy... is a lingerer. This person has some sort of social disorder, because THIS person thinks you want to know EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU RAN INTO EACH OTHER. So they start to tell you. And then they pull out the wallet and show you the pictures. And the sun burn line they still have. And the scar they got at the airport. And the noise the old car made. And what the teacher said about little Sally. And the brand of toothpaste their dentist recommends. And where the cheapest gas is. And that awful story about potty training the new puppy. And that itch came back. And Alan passed away. And you didn't make it to the fair this year. And it's so cold! And WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK!?!?!?
My point is... We have grown. We have now begun a new lifestyle of shoving your life down the throats of others. Only now? It's via social media.
I feel like this is one of those blogs that's going to make me feel old, cranky, and in need of a diaper change. Fuck it. Bring on the Fig Newtons. Fuck yeah. I love those fruit and cake bars of goodness....
I know people are going to giggle at this because they've seen it like this since day one. But chill the fuck out! It's my blog. And I'm just coming to realize how sacred my privacy is. So... On with the public blog for anyone in the world to read.
Shut up.
So in Syracuse, our print media is dying. We're down to one newspaper, and we don't even print papers everyday anymore. Do you believe that? Just a few days a week. I guess Wednesday didn't put out, or something. I know a lot of people like to wake up in the morning and read the newspaper. I'm a hipster. So I wake up and read facebook. It sounds stupid but it's actually quite informative. I have almost 1000 friends (Why do they call them friends? It should be like 'Here's a list of people you got wasted with one night 4 years ago and have never seen since, but they post great memes"? Let's be realistic here...). For the most part... if I need the weather, traffic report or a great idea for a pinterest inspired breakfast or hairstyle, I can just hit that little button on my little android and rest easy, that the day will run by smoothly.
Between informative posts such as these... There's life stuff too. The usual "Monday already?" posts and "Random quote from a movie!" and so on...I've come across something else a bit more often. At first it was just.. kind of annoying... then I thought about it. It's... fucking disturbing.
Literally... Nothing is sacred.
It would be one thing if it were something you know you shouldn't talk about..but is actually a funny story worth telling... Like a sex mishap:
"The cat ate the condom!!!!!"
But... No. It's like.. little shit. Literally NO ONE gives two fucks about. Little private details about your relationship.
Now hear me out. I think it's fine to be like "Aw! I was having a bad day and Franco made me dinner and rented our favorite mandolin musician! He thinks of everything..."
As goopy as that can all be.. I'm all for bragging rights when your man friend does something awesome for you... I know when I'm bragged about I'm all like "Yeah bitches! What now?!" And they're all "Whoa! I guess you're worthy enough for that guy, I'ma step off" And I'm all "Yeah, this is what's up." It's kind of like a cyber pat on the back. And it's kinda like... territorial claim. So I mean.. I think that's important to do every now and then. But... This shit... Is just.. It's been blowing my mind for the last few days.
I saw a post. If you're reading this.. and it was your post I'm about to go all off on... Please know.. I'm doing it for YOU. Don't get pissy at me. Hear me out. I'm not calling you out specifically. So hop off.
This post was all cutesy and happy and la la fucking di da.... about blankets. This miniscule, intimate little detail about their sleeping arrangements. I read it and immidiatly thought:
".... Who the fuck cares? Why would you post that?"
And then I thought more about it. And it really turned out to be disturbing! All day every day we hear these tiny little pillow talk details that should remain between a couple. It was nothing gross or over the top just a tiny little thing that matters to the two of you and to no one else.
Is nothing fucking sacred anymore?
I'm seriously waiting for people to put web cams up in their bedrooms and just let it record. Then go through it later... pull pieces of it out and post it.. like "Here's me and Raul sleeping last night. Look at hour 5, minute 26 and see him put his arm around me! Awww! LLOVE HIM! MUAHMUAH KISSYFUCKYFACENOMNOMHASHTAG#"
Must we publicize EVERYTHING? Is EVERYTHING a story of major value and importance?!?!
We're sabotaging our own relationships. We are our own paparazzi. Just a much smaller fan base in a much smaller town.
Why do celebrities hide their weddings? Because that's special. It's sacred. They want friends and family there. They don't want YOU there. Who the fuck are you? Seriously. Who are you?
We need to learn to keep secrets. We need to learn how to step back. Put the phone down. Close the lap top. Live in the real fucking world for an hour or two.
We're going to start losing the ability to create memories because we rely so heavilly upon technology to remember things FOR us.
Seriously.
When I was growing up I knew tons of phone numbers. I STILL know them. House phone, Neighbors phone, Best friend, Other best friend, new best friend, Gramma ... You knew phone numbers. Now? People don't even know their OWN damn phone number.. let alone anyone elses. You lose that cell phone? You're fucked. Seriously.
Keep things to yourself. Write them down for yourself. Keep personal pictures for yourself.
We put ourselves out there so easily. So freely. Then wonder why we get burned. It's incredibly easy to get caught up and to want to put all these things out there.. but then your relationship becomes a sitcom. And you run out of storyboard. Instead of enjoying what you have and where you are, you end up pulling for things... looking for things.... Ways to prove to people that you're in love, and loved back, and are so happy, and life is great and fucking YES!!! SUNSHNE!!!!!!! You fuck it up.
Fuking stop.
Just be. You have nothing to prove. Nothing to explain. People will know you're happy by the smile on your face. By the bounce in your step. The way you sing "The Bad Touch" 24/7.... Trust me. It's far more exciting to have people notice and ask about it when you least expect it.
Ok.. Time to go put on my purple nightshirt, take off my new black and green hipster glasses and lay half sideways on my tshirt cotton sheets from Target, in the bed I grabbed from a friend who was moving a few years ago, and lay with my tortoise shell calico, in the northeast side of my apartment where it is exactly 65 degrees. I'm going to look at facebook for a few minutes and eventually turn on my right side and cuddle with my pillow pet until I fall asleep. I'll probably have to pee at like 7.... and then I'll lay on my left side for a while. My feet get cold sometimes. So I'll probably make a foot taco.
No judgies.
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