Seriously.. I'm terrible at this. Seriously damaged. I don't even follow my own fucking advice. I KNOW I change when invested in one person. I don't quite know how to not fully put my shit out on the table... It's like I literally present my bullshit on a silver platter over dinner. "Here ya go! Pass the salt? TA DAAAA!"
I'm seriously miserable and do nothing but yard work (I live in a rental... I'm investing in someone else's property. I think I need help), dishes... cooking... and Law and Order SVU Marathons. So what's the deal?
I've touched on both relationships, and the single life.. the perks and flaws of both... It seems sometimes that you just can't win, regardless of what side of the fence you're on. It would be so much easier to be the kind of person who sits and is happy and content with wherever they are. Unfortunately I'm an extremist. And a girl. As much as I hate to admit having the 'flaws' one would typically associate with a woman as being clingy, creeper, psychos....I've got 'em. Therefore.. if a lovah decides to see me on the solo.. I lose my shit. Why is it different if suddenly you have dinner once in a while? Or go to a movie? Or just for a drive? Is it because now... you've vulnerable? Now you kind of expect things from them? You're setting yourself up for disappointment. Cheating is such a common factor and I've got some bad juju coming my way there. (I'll leave that open to interpretation) I just assume the worst.
I go back to my phrase of "(S)He who care the least.. has the control".
I've never stood behind a phrase like this. It's so fucking true it sickens me.When in situations where I feel I have control.. I realize it's because I give way less shits than whomever I'm talking to. And power is fucking dangerous.
I don't actually want power. Too much responsibility. I want equality and for someone to not be a total ass hat to me for no reason.
When you're single... you learn how to live on your own... be by yourself... find happiness in stupid things your cat does... invent new ways to keep yourself cool in the heat... change plans... Do whatcha want!
Then someone comes along who you enjoy. Someone who meshes with your little life, and compliments it. You think "Hm! This ain't so bad!". So you decide to let them in! And it all fucking changes. Why? Why was it cool and calm and fun before and now it's a fucking train wreck? Your phone, which used to overheat from texts, and calls and things that made you smile.. is now cold. And you check to see if it's on silent maybe? It's not. All you see is your stupid pathetic face in the reflection.
Why do we get so deep, so fast?
Then, if you're a woman you turn into a detective and find every girl on his facebook page who might be new.. and whom you have no mutual friends and wonder "Who the fuck is that skanky bitch!?!" And she's always prettier and thinner and looks way calm cool and collected... Care free...
and then you're all psycho'd out. Done. The minute you see the face... It won't leave your head. Ever. You may never trust again because little Allison Denningstein had to accept your boyfriends friend request.
Am I alone? Did I peg any of this? Why does it bother us so fucking much? Are we smart and learning from the past? Or causing new problems?
I'm guessing the latter.
Ice cream anyone?
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